Written in August 2025
I’ve been exploring masking with a coaching client and how it can work as both a strength and a vulnerability. It got me thinking (during yoga for PTSD, which focused on acceptance and release) about a recent experience where my mask wasn’t the right one.
I recently had to audition (it’s best described as that rather than an interview) for some work. I knew I’d have to sell myself a bit when I went freelance, and I also know it’s not something I am comfortable doing, nor is it something I naturally do well; it requires heavy masking.
I have to mask to get clients for training. We all know people look for a personality fit over expertise, indeed this is one of the things I address in said training. Generally I only have to mask when I’m client facing in the initial stages, and I can start to drop some of it when I have established a rapport. The rest of the time I am solo, no masking required.
Perhaps I was naïve to think that all the interest in neurodiversity meant that people are open to learning, to acting and interacting differently. However, I did hope that being a neurodivergent neurodiversity trainer, I would get some leeway.
I did not anticipate having to go through an audition process and be subject to all the issues of the neurotypically-inclined hiring process. I didn’t want to have to be judged on my personality, or more accurately, whether I was wearing the correct mask. But that’s what happened.
No-one said anything overtly negative, obviously, because the social rules are that you have to do this by way of backhanded compliments. A backhanded compliment is when someone says something that sounds positive but is actually a negative, but you only realise this later when you’ve had a chance to process it.
The comment “if we find a client who will fit with your personality…” was the neurotypical, “kind” way of saying “no-one’s going to want to hear all this from you”. Except that’s not the kind way at all, because it was a lie masquerading as a brush-off, masquerading as feedback.
I’m OK with the rejection now. With some time to reflect I also see that the client is not a good fit for me – it’s mutual. The real clincher is that despite having had a virtually in-person interaction, I have not yet, more than five weeks on, had any response, not even a “kindly” worded rejection email.
I know some people will be reading this and thinking “why don’t you contact them?”. We left the interaction on “we’ll get back to you next week”. If I make contact, I am going against my intrinsic logical way of thinking, and perpetuating the idea that a lack of clarity is an acceptable way of communicating with autistic people.
I don’t have a corporate enough mask to fit in with that world, nor do I want to develop one. I’m also not serving my community if I mask up and perpetuate the expectation that autistic people must act and operate as neurotypical people in order to be accepted. By collaborating with any organisation which seeks to mute the voices of the community, I become part of the problem.
There is a wealth of easily accessible information online, all provided by neurodivergent people. There is little excuse for neurotypical to remain uninformed, on at least a very basic level. We have provided countless learning opportunities in the form of text based, audio and video formats, yet there is still a refusal to do some groundwork before interacting with us. It’s like going on holiday abroad and refusing to learn some basic phrases to interact with people in that country.
New idea: Duolingo for neurotypical/neurodivergent communication! Maybe I’ll audition on Dragon’s Den and get this funded?!