Part one started off with questions about priorities, motivation, progress and responsibilities. These are all useful questions for determining what to do, in what order, and whether it’s even my responsibility to do in the first place.
The next set of questions I ask myself most frequently are:
What are the options?
This is so valuable, but it often takes the longest to answer! That’s the autism coming in – we can see multiple options and possibilities, and we will often play the whole scenario through. The benefits of this are a deeper understanding of the factors behind the decision I do make, and often creative solutions to problems I hadn’t seen until I started digging.
What else is going on in my life that could get in my way?
Questioning what else is going on in my life that might get in the way of any given goal or task has also been of significant value. One of the challenges of the autistic brain comes when the tendency towards detail-first processing leads us away from seeing our lives holistically. When we don’t see our lives in a holistic way, we can easily overlook our mental wellbeing, our need for recovery time after socialising (or being in sensorily overwhelming environments), or even our physical needs.
This has been a massive challenge for me. One of the major factors in being able to view the bigger picture is that it began to be beyond my control. Chronic stress, anxiety, and not looking after each aspect of my life led to develop chronic pain. Going through multiple serious burnouts was also part of this, and if I want to physically be able to exist, I have to be super-aware of what’s going on in my life and where my energy us going.
If there’s a way to develop this skill without having to do that, coaching is probably the way. My counsellor always said “you’ve got to be your own life manager” and that’s a phrase I remember.
How can I ensure I get the space to work on this?
What do I need in order to make this work/do this task?
Asking myself how I can get the space to work on any given task, and what I need in order to do so, involves some of this holistic thinking. It also harks back to the questions of what is a priority – some things are a priority but aren’t going to happen if I don’t have the quiet, uninterrupted space to do them. This means being a bit flexible with my time and I can only do that because I’m self-employed.
What is within my control?
The question of control often follows on from the space/needs question, because there are things I can control in order to get space when I need it. I can tell those around me not to talk to me unless the house is on fire, and set my sensory environment up for success (bottle of water for hydration, ADHD focus music on YouTube, put my phone out of reach, close down documents I’m not actively working on etc.). The autistic desire for control not only drives this, but is also satisfied by it.
Have I done enough today – am I creating my own false stress?
Asking myself whether I have done enough today, or whether I’m creating my own stress addresses the state of what I can only describe as a post-hyperfocus, semi-hyper-vigilant buzzing brain. This feeling makes me want to tackle another task while I feel energised, but it’s not actually energy – it’s a feeling that means I ought to regulate, decompress and give myself a break.
I have alexithymia and poor interoception when it comes to determining bodily sensations and what they are telling me. This leads to misinterpreting these signals and overdoing it. It’s not a case of “listening to my body”, because I don’t understand what it’s trying to say! Learning to decode the signals will probably continue to be a lifelong exercise, but it will be worth doing.
What would I say to a friend in this situation?
Finally, asking myself what I would say to a friend in this situation is a good one to ask after every single one of the questions. I can often analyse someone else’s situation and weigh up their options better than I can do for myself, so if I shift perspective and treat myself as an external person, I’ll make a much kinder assessment. This leads to treating myself with kindness. That sounds a bit esoteric, but it has helped me shift my attitude towards myself from a default position of negative self-talk, to balanced, more positive self-talk.
In the next instalment I’ll look at the questions I would like to ask myself more often than I do.