Written in June 2025
This is the last instalment (for now) in the self-coaching series. I’ve spoken about the questions I ask myself most often and how they help, so now it’s time to look at the questions I don’t ask myself enough.
Read part 1 here, and part 2 here.
What do you think you should do, and is this the same as what you want to do?
Examining the difference between the “should” and the “want” is very valuable. It’s even more valuable when we often feel the pressure of the “should”, and when we use this label to describe things we do want to do, but which are also potentially onerous or difficult to get started on.
Defining “should” for each individual helps us to work out what we mean by it, and then whether some of those “shoulds” are “wants”, or “needs”, or a different category altogether. It’s a useful discernment to make to ensure we are not just doing things other people tell us (or want us) to do, which we see as “shoulds”.
The “wants” are also good to look at, especially in terms of where the want comes from. Is the “want” part of self-sabotage? Does the “want” align with our goals and with how we see ourselves? Is the “want” informed by some other factor? Could we tell the “want” to go away if it’s not in our best interests?
What has worked before?
The question of what has worked before is one that should (and I do mean should!) be more frequently asked. It’s such a simple question, but the answers it yields can save us so much time and effort trying a solution that wasn’t suitable for the problem. We can learn so much about what works and what doesn’t in any given situation, but often autistic people don’t have that innate cognitive flexibility to transfer solutions between contexts.
What I mean here is that we might solve a problem in the workplace, or for a friend, that we then encounter in our own lives, but we don’t instinctively take the solution we’ve used before. We are very context-dependent; many of us use context to drive decisions about behaviour or actions, which leads to problems transferring skills or learning between different ones.
What opportunities are there in this situation?
Finally, the question of what opportunities there are in a situation is another great one for developing cognitive flexibility. This is especially important if someone has a habit of negative thinking, and frequently ends up in a dead-end of despair. Asking yourself about the positive opportunities that might be present helps shift your thinking.
An example of this might be an obligatory social event, or a family trip you’re not excited about. At the social event you might meet someone with an opportunity for you (like a job, or a chance to engage with others who have the same interests as you), while a family trip could have the opportunity of also visiting a place you’re interested in. In every situation there is an opportunity to learn, whether that’s something about yourself, or a bit of trivia that wins you a pub quiz.
I’d love to hear which questions you ask yourself, let me know!